A few days ago, one of Matt's co-workers approached him and asked that inevitable question: Are we done having kids? Will there be a third? Matt's response was appropriate. He told his co-worker that if he was a betting man, he'd put money on no more kids. I thought that was a good way to describe where we stand right now.
I really dislike speaking in absolutes, because there are so few things in life that are definite. Years pass, people grow, minds change. Well, I can say one thing with absolute certainity: we will never, ever pursue fertility treatments again. That chapter of our lives is closed, for good-- I'm sure of that. But, as for more kids? I sincerely doubt it, but I won't say absolutely not.
You see, I love our family right now. I love that I have a son and a daughter; I love that Matt and I aren't outnumbered. More importantly, I love our family dynamic. When the four of us are together in a room, I look around and feel like This is my family. It feels whole, complete. Two children is a good fit for us. I am more than just content-- I am fulfilled, happy.
Two kids is a good fit for us for more practical reasons, too. We want to be able to pay for our children to go to college; we want to be able to provide nice things for them. We can do that for two children. Having more than two kids would require us to buy a new car. That may seem like a small thing, but it's still something to consider. Another child would also mean delaying my career even further-- which I certainly wouldn't protest-- but having a double income again when Camden and Macey are school aged will be extremely helpful to our family.
Then there are the intangibles. Effectively dividing my attention between Camden and Macey took some getting used to, but we've got it down now. I feel like I'm able to provide each child with a lot of my time, affection, and love. That's so important to me; I don't ever want either of them to feel like they're not getting what they need from Matt or me. Some people are able to effortlessly divide their attention between three or four or five or six kids-- I know I'm not one of those people. I don't want to spread myself thin between several kids; I'd rather devote myself fully to two.
Of course, when I think of never having another child, some nostalgia inevitably creeps up on me. I will miss the excited, on-top-of-the-world feeling that comes with seeing a positive pregnancy test. I will miss falling in love with the tiny form on the ultrasound screen, my eyes locked on the fluttering heart. I'll miss the growing belly, the kicks, the excitement of the gender reveal ultrasound, and the anticipation of meeting a brand new family member. What I'll miss the most, though, is the moment-- that final push after hours of labor, the cry that fills the room and immediately fills your heart so completely that you feel like it might burst, and then it happens: your baby is placed on your chest, your eyes lock, and your life changes. Forever. There is nothing else in life that compares to that moment. I've experienced it twice, and I think a part of me will always long to feel it again.
But, while I may feel nostalgic, I don't feel sad. There's a big difference, I think. I read other women's birth stories and tear up, but I don't think I wish it was me. I hear about friends who are trying to conceive and I get excited for them but I don't think I want to try again, too. I pack up old baby clothes and maternity clothes and I pull out certain sentimental outfits to keep forever but I don't cry.
So, that's where we stand right now: never say never, but don't place money on Baby Three for us if you're in Vegas. Or: we have gently shut the door on the possibility of another child, but haven't locked it yet.
What about you? How did you know that you were done? Or, conversely, how do you know that you're not done?
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
My Camden
It's easy to let several months pass in between "update" posts on Camden, because once kids are past the age of 2, there aren't many new milestones to report each month. But I still think it's important to periodically check in and document the person Camden is becoming. So, here's what's going on with my boy at just over 3 years old.
Currently, he is completely and totally obsessed with Cars-- as in the Disney Cars, not simple Matchbox cars anymore. He loves both of the Cars movies and is excited to see the new Disney Planes movie when it comes out in the spring. Matt has promised to take him to the theater for this event, which will mark Camden's first time in a movie theater. And he'll let you know about it anytime the preview for that movies comes on: "That's the one me and Daddy are going to see in the theater!"
Because of his love for Cars, he has quite the extensive collection of regular Disney Cars and color changer Cars. He discovered the color changers version through a You Tube video when he was playing around on my Kindle and he fell in love hard and fast. Not only does he like changing the color of his own Cars, but he loves watching You Tube demonstrations of other people changing their Cars' colors. Seriously, it's endearingly strange. He'll sit on my Kindle for an hour and stare at a man that is (in my opinion) much too old to be playing with Cars. He'll listen intently as the man demonstrates how to change each Cars' color. And then, later, we'll catch Camden producing his very own You Tube video. I'll listen quietly as Camden picks up each Car and mimics the way the man speaks about them, demonstrating how they change color to his imaginary audience.
Camden also had his very first dentist appointment a couple of weeks back. In reality, he's not even added to our dental insurance yet, but he tagged along on my teeth cleaning adventure so he could get used to the whole idea of a "tooth doctor". Once my cleaning was done, he climbed up in the chair like a champ while the hygienist briefly checked over his teeth. When I showed my mom the picture of Camden at the dentist, she commented, "Wow. He's just a different kid now." She was referring to his intense stranger anxiety that lasted the better part of a year and included an aversion to all things medical. Doctors appointments were just plain torturous to him back then. Now, he breezes through them (unless they include shots).
While the intense stranger anxiety is certainly long gone, intense is still a word I would use to describe my son. Macey seems to have Matt's laid back personality (so far-- still a little early to tell I think), and Camden has much more of my sensitive, emotional, Type A personality. He certainly experiences emotions intensely. Once he gets upset about something (doesn't matter what it is: an injury, a disagreement with his cousin-- whatever), it's hard to bring him back down from his upset state of mind. Lately, instead of trying to comfort him out of his emotions, I simply take him into the dining room, place him in a chair, and tell him to take whatever time he needs to feel better. I make sure he knows that he's not in trouble or in time-out; he's simply taking a break to collect himself. So far, this has worked well. He'll often come find me after a few minutes and say, "Mommy, I'm all done crying now."
Intense emotions can be tough when they're of the sad or upset variety, but being a sensitive child makes Camden extra loving and sweet too. He's very articulate these days, and can express his feelings well. And while I have heard, "I don't like you anymore" a couple of times, I've heard far more, "I missed you, Mommy" when he returns from an outing with his daddy or "Look, it's the whole family" which he states happily while he holds us in a group hug. When I was sick a couple of weeks back and spent most of the day camped out on the couch, he kept coming over to check on me and asking, "Do you feel all better now, Mommy?" He also takes great pride in being able to make his sister laugh. He'll run around like a wild man and then glance over at Macey to make sure she's watching him. When he's assured that she is following his antics (and she always is), he continues to put on his little show for "Mace Mace". The other morning, he and Macey were lying side by side in bed, sharing the same pillow. They turned their heads facing each other, and both of them just grinned. Camden reached over and stroked her head, saying, "Good morning, Mace Mace." I wanted to take that moment and bottle it up and keep it forever. (And no: they didn't sleep that way, before anyone thinks I'm crazy for letting a toddler & infant share a bed.)
After co-sleeping for the past two years, Camden has started sleeping in his own bed in his room. We don't make him stay there; he is allowed to come to the "big bed" whenever he needs to during the night. Some nights, he'll stumble through the hallway after only a few hours in his bed; other nights, he spends almost the entire night in his own room. We're proud of the progress he's making, but feel no need to rush it. It's funny: as an infant, I tried so many different toys in Camden's crib at night, hoping that he'd feel an attachment to one of them and develop a "lovey" for comfort. No such luck. The only thing Camden was interested in for comfort was me. But now, at three years old, it looks like he has finally found his lovey. Meet Raffy, the giraffe. He keeps the monsters away at night, according to Camden.
Truly, I could go on and on about this special little boy (as evidenced by the fact that this is turning into a novel), so I'm going to try to wrap it up here. At three (and a couple of months) years old, Camden loves: Disney Cars. Alice & Wonderland (the movie-- he is obsessed with the white rabbit & will run around the house proclaiming, "I'm late! For a very important date!"). Fruit snacks. Yogurt. Playing outside. My Kindle. Play dates with his cousin. Puzzles. Reading books. Bath time. His Family. He dislikes: Tags on his shirts. Food that is too hot. Having his picture taken. And anytime food spills.
So, there you go: that's my sweet Camden Miller, my first born, who's growing up so incredibly fast. We love this little guy so much and are proud of the son, brother, and person he's becoming.
Currently, he is completely and totally obsessed with Cars-- as in the Disney Cars, not simple Matchbox cars anymore. He loves both of the Cars movies and is excited to see the new Disney Planes movie when it comes out in the spring. Matt has promised to take him to the theater for this event, which will mark Camden's first time in a movie theater. And he'll let you know about it anytime the preview for that movies comes on: "That's the one me and Daddy are going to see in the theater!"
Because of his love for Cars, he has quite the extensive collection of regular Disney Cars and color changer Cars. He discovered the color changers version through a You Tube video when he was playing around on my Kindle and he fell in love hard and fast. Not only does he like changing the color of his own Cars, but he loves watching You Tube demonstrations of other people changing their Cars' colors. Seriously, it's endearingly strange. He'll sit on my Kindle for an hour and stare at a man that is (in my opinion) much too old to be playing with Cars. He'll listen intently as the man demonstrates how to change each Cars' color. And then, later, we'll catch Camden producing his very own You Tube video. I'll listen quietly as Camden picks up each Car and mimics the way the man speaks about them, demonstrating how they change color to his imaginary audience.
Camden also had his very first dentist appointment a couple of weeks back. In reality, he's not even added to our dental insurance yet, but he tagged along on my teeth cleaning adventure so he could get used to the whole idea of a "tooth doctor". Once my cleaning was done, he climbed up in the chair like a champ while the hygienist briefly checked over his teeth. When I showed my mom the picture of Camden at the dentist, she commented, "Wow. He's just a different kid now." She was referring to his intense stranger anxiety that lasted the better part of a year and included an aversion to all things medical. Doctors appointments were just plain torturous to him back then. Now, he breezes through them (unless they include shots).
While the intense stranger anxiety is certainly long gone, intense is still a word I would use to describe my son. Macey seems to have Matt's laid back personality (so far-- still a little early to tell I think), and Camden has much more of my sensitive, emotional, Type A personality. He certainly experiences emotions intensely. Once he gets upset about something (doesn't matter what it is: an injury, a disagreement with his cousin-- whatever), it's hard to bring him back down from his upset state of mind. Lately, instead of trying to comfort him out of his emotions, I simply take him into the dining room, place him in a chair, and tell him to take whatever time he needs to feel better. I make sure he knows that he's not in trouble or in time-out; he's simply taking a break to collect himself. So far, this has worked well. He'll often come find me after a few minutes and say, "Mommy, I'm all done crying now."
Intense emotions can be tough when they're of the sad or upset variety, but being a sensitive child makes Camden extra loving and sweet too. He's very articulate these days, and can express his feelings well. And while I have heard, "I don't like you anymore" a couple of times, I've heard far more, "I missed you, Mommy" when he returns from an outing with his daddy or "Look, it's the whole family" which he states happily while he holds us in a group hug. When I was sick a couple of weeks back and spent most of the day camped out on the couch, he kept coming over to check on me and asking, "Do you feel all better now, Mommy?" He also takes great pride in being able to make his sister laugh. He'll run around like a wild man and then glance over at Macey to make sure she's watching him. When he's assured that she is following his antics (and she always is), he continues to put on his little show for "Mace Mace". The other morning, he and Macey were lying side by side in bed, sharing the same pillow. They turned their heads facing each other, and both of them just grinned. Camden reached over and stroked her head, saying, "Good morning, Mace Mace." I wanted to take that moment and bottle it up and keep it forever. (And no: they didn't sleep that way, before anyone thinks I'm crazy for letting a toddler & infant share a bed.)
After co-sleeping for the past two years, Camden has started sleeping in his own bed in his room. We don't make him stay there; he is allowed to come to the "big bed" whenever he needs to during the night. Some nights, he'll stumble through the hallway after only a few hours in his bed; other nights, he spends almost the entire night in his own room. We're proud of the progress he's making, but feel no need to rush it. It's funny: as an infant, I tried so many different toys in Camden's crib at night, hoping that he'd feel an attachment to one of them and develop a "lovey" for comfort. No such luck. The only thing Camden was interested in for comfort was me. But now, at three years old, it looks like he has finally found his lovey. Meet Raffy, the giraffe. He keeps the monsters away at night, according to Camden.
Truly, I could go on and on about this special little boy (as evidenced by the fact that this is turning into a novel), so I'm going to try to wrap it up here. At three (and a couple of months) years old, Camden loves: Disney Cars. Alice & Wonderland (the movie-- he is obsessed with the white rabbit & will run around the house proclaiming, "I'm late! For a very important date!"). Fruit snacks. Yogurt. Playing outside. My Kindle. Play dates with his cousin. Puzzles. Reading books. Bath time. His Family. He dislikes: Tags on his shirts. Food that is too hot. Having his picture taken. And anytime food spills.
So, there you go: that's my sweet Camden Miller, my first born, who's growing up so incredibly fast. We love this little guy so much and are proud of the son, brother, and person he's becoming.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Cupid's Big Day
Happy Valentine's Day from my little loves.
(You'd never know by looking at these pictures that I had to bribe Camden to sit down for a millisecond or that Macey was in the process of blowing out her diaper.)
I love these kids. So incredibly much.
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