Thoughts on the Homestretch

My acknowledgement of the fact that this pregnancy will be ending relatively soon is kind of fleeting. One minute, I'll start freaking out about needing to check off more tasks on my "To Do Before Macey" list that hangs on my fridge. Fast forward an hour and I'll have decided that six weeks is really a lot of time so catching up on the Bachelorette & the Real Housewives is a perfectly acceptable plan instead.

I guess the truth is that I have a ton of mixed feelings about welcoming a new baby into our family in just a handful of weeks. I'm excited, obviously, first and foremost. I can't wait to meet this little girl. I remember every moment from the day Camden was born so vividly, but none is as burned into my mind as the moment he was placed on my chest for the first time. If I ever doubted that I could fall madly in love with a stranger before that day, November 21, 2009 made it abundantly clear to me that it's entirely possible. I have loved that little boy with my whole heart from the very first moment I saw his precious face. The anticipation of getting to experience that first meeting again sometimes keeps me awake at night, my heart pounding with excitement. Oh, how I look forward to that moment.

But I also vividly remember how difficult the early days are with a newborn. I remember the intense sleep deprivation. I remember how difficult nursing was at first. I haven't forgotten the recovery period my body went through, and how I didn't feel quite human again until about 6 weeks after delivery. And I remind myself that back then, I was only dealing with one child. This time, I'll be going through that same recovery period while caring for a newborn and a toddler. I know, I know-- people do it all of the time and they get through it. I know I'll simply plow through those first several "survival weeks" the best I can and one morning I'll wake up and we'll magically be on the other side of survival-- we'll have found our routine and I'll know I can do this whole parenting 2 kids thing. But, I'd be lying if I said the thought of reliving the survival phase didn't scare me a teeny bit.

Mostly, though, I worry about parenting 2 kids well. I don't mean the simple logistics of having multiple kids, like learning how to cart them both around the grocery store or juggling bath times and bed times. That stuff I'll figure out. The thing is, Camden and I have a tight bond. Like, we're together all day, every day; there's rarely a waking moment that we spend separated from one another. I worry about how another child will affect the dynamics of my relationship with Camden. Obviously, it won't be realistic for me to continue to devote 100% of my time and affection to him and knowing that breaks my heart a little bit. Camden will have to learn to share me, and I'll have to figure out the delicate balance of ensuring that both children feel adequately cared for and loved. I have no aspirations of perfection in parenting, but I do think it's essential for both of my kids to know they're loved equally and unconditionally.

So, there's a lot going through my mind as I prepare to make the transition to "mom of 2". When it becomes too overwhelming, though, I think back to the last several weeks of my pregnancy with Camden and all of the doubts and worries that plagued my first-time-mom mind. And I remember how when I finally met him, none of those silly worries much mattered anymore, and everything kind of fell into place. It'll be that way again, I know, as we become a family of four.