Something's Gotta Give

That title? Pretty much sums up the way I've felt over the past week. Things have been kind of a disaster over here in the sleep department. I mentioned in Macey's 6 month post that her nights have been a bit of a mess for a while now, but also stated that she was a pretty darn good napper. So, it was bareable. Then, only a couple of days after I published that post, Macey let me in on a little trick she had up her sleeve: she was no longer going to sleep, ever. Not at bed time, not at nap time.

Macey has been sleeping unswaddled for well over a month now, but has still been wearing her Magic Sleep Suit (and sleeping on her back). Well, over the past week, whenever I put her down for  a nap, she would scream bloody murder. First, I tried some troubleshooting: maybe her wake time in between naps needed some adjusting. I tried putting her down a little earlier, and then a little later than usual. Made no difference. Nap time became screamfest time. And if there's one thing I absolutely can't stand when it comes to parenting? It's listening to my kids cry. I'm just not cut out for it-- it makes me such an anxious mess. I'm not talking about fussing or whining before falling asleep. That, I have no problem with. I'm talking tears streaming down a soaking wet red face, complete with gags. There's nothing about letting my child cry that hard that feels right or natural to me as a parent. I can't and won't do it. So, whenever Macey would get to that desperate cry point, I'd quickly head to her room to comfort her-- rub her back, pop her paci back in, whatever. I figured she'd tire herself out eventually. No dice. What always ended up happening was she would tire me out, I'd throw up my white flag of surrender, I'd nurse her to sleep, and she'd collapse into a heap of exhaustion on my bed instead of in her crib. Granted, she'd take a long nap after all of that drama, but this situation still wasn't ideal. Not only was it stressful, it was requiring me to spend long periods of time up in Macey's room, away from my 3-year-old who needs me too.

Then there were the nights over the past week. Macey would do her normal waking up every couple of hours deal (again, not ideal, but I'm used to the fragmented sleep-- as used as one can be to it anyway). But she added in a new twist-- for a couple of nights in a row, she woke at 4am and stayed up for 2 hours. Two hours in the wee hours of the morning? Feels like an eternity. I was borderline delusional for a few days, walking around in a sleep deprived foggy haze. Couple those kinds of nights with the nap battles mentioned above? Well, one afternoon, I just threw up my hands in exhaustion and said to Matt, "Something's gotta give here. And soon."

You know that saying 'nothing ventured, nothing gained'? Well, I'm very much resistant to change when it comes to my kids' sleep. Even when it's crappy sleep, it's usually at least predictable, and the thought of switching things up (weaning from the swaddle, etc.) makes me nervous. But, let's face it-- things couldn't get much worse in the sleep department than they were (knock on wood! knock on wood again!), so with my new 'nothing ventured' mantra running through my head, I put Macey in her crib at night two nights ago with no Sleep Suit. She wasn't sure what to make of it at first-- she must've rolled around and played and talked for close to an hour. And then there was fussing. And then there was maybe 2 minutes of crying. Then: silence. I snuck in to take a peak and sure enough, she was fast asleep. On her belly. I had given her the freedom to choose her sleep position, instead of zipping her up in a heavy astronaut suit that required that she stay on her back at all times. I guess I wouldn't appreciate those kinds of sleep restrictions either. No, she didn't sleep through the night that night, but it was an improvement. And for the next couple of days, I did the same for nap time: straight into the crib, none of the sleep props. Again, she'd roll around and play (and occasionally fuss), but none of the dramatic, make-me-want-to-curl-into-a-ball, hard crying. And then she'd sleep. Sometimes it's just a catnap; sometimes it's longer. Either way, it's a win, comparatively speaking.

So, yes- something had to give. And finally it did. It required me letting go of control & taking a risk, but so far, it has paid off. I'll be working on night sleep next-- not in the form of any formal sleep training, but just trying to keep her in her crib at night instead of sleeping with her. Maybe not all night at first, but at least the majority of the night. Baby steps.