When I almost stopped breastfeeding.

Hmm...where do I begin in describing the last few days to you? If I had to choose an adjective to describe the last handful of days, it would be awful. Exhausting, emotionally draining, and just flat out bad were also strong contenders in the choose-an-adjective-for-my-weekend game.

Let me start at the beginning, I suppose. On Thursday night, I started feeling not so hot-- achy, and just completely worn down. I could feel that one of my milk ducts was a little clogged, so I just attributed my feeling a little 'off' to the annoying duct. By the time I woke up on Friday morning, I knew my clogged duct theory was wrong-- I felt downright sick. After confirming that I had a fever, I just laid in my bed, waiting on the kids to wake up and wondering how on earth I was going to manage caring for a 3-year-old and a 10-month-old in my condition. While I was lying there, a thought crossed my mind: I had been bitten by a tick at my parents' lake house about a month before and still had a little rash around the area the tick had been attached. Hmm. Better make a doctor's appointment, I decided, just to confirm that whatever illness I had going on wasn't related to that tick bite. Even as I made my decision, I wasn't truly worried; I figured I had a run-of-the-mill virus, but just wanted to be on the safe side since Lyme Disease isn't something to mess around with.

My mom came into town to watch the kids so I could head to the doctor that afternoon. As soon as the doctor took one look at me upon walking into the exam room, she said, "You look this bad and you were bitten by a tick about a month ago?" When I confirmed those details with her, she checked my temperature (which was sky high by then) and then examined the bite spot. "I'm starting you on antibiotics right away," she said firmly, "For both Lyme Disease and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. We'll still do labs, of course, but I don't want to wait to get the results back before you start your medicine. These illnesses can be very grave if not treated right away." Great, I thought to myself, Just give me my prescription and let me get out of here so I can go home and pass out on the couch.

She told me the name of the medication she was prescribing for me-- doxycycline-- and as an afterthought, I muttered, "I'm breastfeeding. That's safe for breastfeeding, right?" She checked for me and said, "Actually, it's not." She suggested that I just pump and dump for two weeks (the course of the antibiotic) and just bottle feed some previously pumped milk or formula in the meantime. Simple, right? Sure, except for the small fact that Macey flat out refuses a bottle. I told her this little detail, and she did her best to try to find another antibiotic that would be effective against both Lyme and RMSF that was also safe for breastfeeding. Guess what? No such antibiotic exists. She sat across from me and said, "You know, sometimes what's best for the mom's health is what's best for the baby. You need this medicine."

I had blood drawn, and then left the office. I made it to my car before I completely broke down. I called my sister, sobbing "I can't breastfeed anymore! I have to start this medicine that's not safe for breastfeeding!" Now, I know that Macey is 10 and a half months old. I had planned on beginning to wean her at 12 months old. I do realize that's only a month and a half early, which shouldn't seem like the end of the world. But being forced to stop breastfeeding unexpectedly one day and having no control over the decision? Well, that was a little traumatic for me. And I just knew how traumatic it would be for Macey, who is a boob girl through and through. Also, though I had planned on beginning to wean at 12 months old, I had planned on it being a gradual process, cutting out one feeding every few days in order to make the transition as gentle as possible on both of us. Now, it seemed I had no choice but to stop breastfeeding cold turkey.

A thought occurred to me as my sister tried to calm me down. Sometimes doctors aren't exactly up-to-date on the latest breastfeeding research. I asked Lauren (my sister) to look up the La Leche League for me and see if she could get in touch with one of their lactation consultants for a second opinion. Lauren, probably thankful for a task other than listening to me cry into the phone, readily agreed and got to work. Meanwhile, I headed to CVS to pick up my prescription. While there, I decided to ask the pharmacist her opinion as well. Except I only got out about half of my question--"My...doctor told me....that I...have...to stop....breastfeeding...."-- before I was sobbing again. Now, I am not normally a public crier, but the combination of a ridiculously high fever, being forced to stop nursing, and the pharmacist's understanding eyes just set me right over the edge. I'm sure I was quite the spectacle to the other customers milling around but I didn't even care. Unfortunately, the pharmacist confirmed what my doctor had already told me-- no more breastfeeding for me. The medication, she said gently, could inhibit bone growth in an infant.

Feeling defeated, I left the pharmacy and headed home. On the way, I talked to my sister who had, in fact, gotten in touch with an LLL rep over the phone. This rep told her that I should feel comfortable breastfeeding on doxycycline, as long as I wasn't planning on taking the medication long term. I started to feel a glimmer of hope, and I put in a call to Macey's pediatrician to get yet another opinion. So far, the jury looked like this: Doctor & Pharmacist: No more breastfeeding! LLL Rep: Keep Breastfeeding! I needed one more opinion. In the meantime, my mom headed out to the store to pick up bottles and formula. Now, I have never bottle fed either of my children, so I know nothing about bottles, nipples, formula-- none of it. I felt like a brand new mom all over again. I desperately sought out pointers from bottle feeding moms and passed along all info to my mom on her "Operation: Bottle Feed" mission. When she returned home about an hour later, I attempted Macey's first bottle (with pumped breastmilk). It was a gigantic failure. She scoffed at the bottle before pushing it away angrily each time it got near her mouth. My mom tried feeding her too, thinking she might just be refusing the bottle from me since she knows I have her favorite milk source attached to my body. No dice. The bottle got a big old smack again. Around this time, the pediatrician's nurse called me back to tell me that my pediatrician was joining Team No More Breastfeeding.

It was time for me to make a decision. After looking up statistics for how common tick borne illnesses are in my state (they're not common) and reviewing my symptoms (some matched up, some key symptoms were missing), I decided that I was going to wait until my blood work came back before beginning the antibiotic. I know, I know-- my doctor advised against this. But the thought that I might put Macey through such a traumatic experience for absolutely no reason if my sickness turned out to be nothing more than a common virus was really hard to swallow. I promised myself, of course, that I'd start the medication right away if I took a turn for the worse. Otherwise, I'd wait it out and keep breastfeeding.

It's been four days now and I still don't have my bloodwork results back. But I'm feeling well again and Camden also got sick a couple of days ago. Obviously, he didn't catch a tick borne disease from me, so I feel pretty confident that what I had all along was simply a virus. I'm feeling very thankful for my decision to wait it out and stick to breastfeeding. I have no doubt that Macey's thankful too. She decided to say her first real word over the weekend-- "boo" (for boobie) when she's ready to nurse. Pretty timely, right?