Four years ago today, you made me a mommy for the very first time. I had no idea back then the ways in which you would change my life. All I knew was that I had waited for you for a very long time, you were finally here, and I was so in love.
And that was pretty much all I knew. Thinking back on the first days, weeks, and months you were home makes me laugh now. I had no idea what I was doing, which was such a foreign feeling for me. You see, your mommy is a bit of a control freak, a planner, a perfectionist to her core. But you came into my life and made me realize that there are some things that can't be meticulously mapped out; that life isn't always orderly and neat. There were countless days I spent just holding you on my chest, feeling your back rise and fall as you slept with your body curled up against mine because you wouldn't nap any other way. There were so many nights that I stared at the clock at 3am, wondering if I'd ever sleep again. There was attempted (and failed) sleep training. There was your acute stranger anxiety that made me have to be fiercely protective of you. Then there was your speech delay and all of the days we spent driving to the best speech therapist I could find and all of the evenings we spent working on your flashcards because I just knew you were going to get it; I couldn't wait to hear your voice.
No amount of planning, studying, and reading can ever fully prepare anyone for the ride that is first time motherhood. The early days with you taught me that sometimes life is more beautiful when you surrender control. You were this tiny, perfect human, that I loved more fully than I could ever have imagined possible. You challenged me in ways that I had never been challenged before. There were a lot of things I didn't know (how on earth would I ever have time to keep my house clean? Why oh why did you always wake up 45 minutes into a nap?! Should I get dressed and put makeup on every day if I'd inevitably just end up with spit up down my shirt and stuck inside all day long?) but the one thing I did know was this: You were made for me.
From the first moment I held you in my arms four years ago, I was completely in love. I felt such a deep connection and bond with you and those feelings haven't waivered with time. You've changed so much in the past four years, but sometimes I still see traces of the baby you once were. You're a cautious boy who thinks things through before acting. You're loving and kind and you have such a good heart. You're nurturing to your little sister. You're very smart and intuitive. You're thoughtful and sensitive. You have a great sense of humor. You're so many things that make me proud of who you are, Camden.
You're in preschool now, which is such a huge milestone and one that filled both of us with some anxiety initially. But you've adjusted so well and it warms my heart to hear you ask if you can go to school on a random Saturday morning. When I drop you off in the morning, your teachers tell me that they've seen big changes in you over the last couple of months; you're more confident and comfortable in the classroom. You're growing up, buddy. You know what else? You rarely remember to hug me goodbye before heading into your classroom. Instead of making me feel sad, your eagerness to start the day and your confidence walking away from me with the knowledge that I will never be too far makes me so proud of you. My goodness, you've come such a long way.
Sometimes we sit together in the evenings and play games on the Kindle. The other night, while we were in the middle of an intense game of Ant Smasher, I said to you, "Camden, I really like you." And I meant that. I love you of course, and you know that, but I like you so much too. I like who you are and I like the glimpses I get of the person you're becoming. I just enjoy your company so much. You didn't seem to think my declaration was too strange, as you continued to smash ants while responding, "I like you too, Mommy."
Happy fourth birthday to my first born- the one who made me a mommy and the one who taught me that there is so much beauty to be found in the imperfections of life. I love you more than you could ever possibly imagine and I will always be your biggest fan.
Love,
Mommy
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