Yesterday, it was almost 70 degrees here on the second day of February. Camden and I were quick to take advantage of the brief reprieve from the cold weather and headed out to the neighborhood playground for the better part of the afternoon. I pushed Camden on the swing while making small talk with a father there with his two small children.
"How old are your children?" I asked him while Camden squealed and pointed out each passing car.
"3 years old and 18 months. They're a year and a half apart," he answered.
"Wow," I said simply.
"Yeah," he replied. "I don't recommend having kids that close in age. It's tough."
An older lady who was standing close by playing with her 2-and-a-half year old grandchild chimed in. "Even 2 years is not enough space! My daughter has her 6 month old son at home and she needs me to take this one a few times a week so she can have a break," she said while gesturing to the little girl next to her.
Now, I only take unsolicited advice with a grain of salt. But I have to admit that this conversation got me wondering: is there an ideal age gap between children?
Camden is 14 months old now. A toddler. I'd be lying if I said the conversation about a sibling for him hadn't come up a time or two in our house. I'm not ready yet, but we have been thinking quite a bit about timing lately.
Only, for us, there are obviously some special circumstances involved in our planning. We're not like the average couple that can say "let's do this!", have a glass of wine, jump in the bed, and stand beaming down at two pink lines on a home pregnancy test a couple of weeks later.
Instead, we have to think about things like will we try on our own? If so, for how long? Will we consider fertility treatments again? What kind of treatments? And for how long?
So, even if we were given an elusive formula to calculate the magical, perfect age gap between siblings, there's certainly no guarantee we could get the timing right anyway. It might take us 2 months to get pregnant. It might take us 2 years.
It's a lot to think about, but not in a negative way. It's still exciting. And so I ask you this: in your experience, is there a Perfect Gap? Or is it simply one of those things that depends on the temperament(s) of your child(ren), your parenting style, your financial stability, and just your overall personal preferences? Please advise, so I can take my official findings back to the playground soon.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
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13 comments:
I am ALWAYS wondering about that. I think for the KIDS, closer is better. Me and my siblings are all a year and 7 months apart (4 of us, boy girl boy girl) and I love it that way. For parents? I have no idea. Probably the bigger the better, except that you get out of the habit of interrupted sleep and diapers and neediness, so having it come around again could be tough.
It's a tough balance. I'm interested to see what people say.
I say personal preferences. No one is ever going to have the same idea of what's better. Do you want them to be playmates?- then I'd say closer in age. Do you want to have kids in different schools (elementary, middle, high school) most of the time with different start/end times, conferences, etc.? I'd vote no, because it is a lot to keep track of. It would be harder on the older kids to adjust to a new sibling too. Is having two the same age tough? Sometimes, but will be it also be easier sometimes too? You bet. They won't ever have to "adjust" to not being an only, they will always have someone to play with.
You continuously CRACK ME UP! Thanks for the humor...."take the official findings back to the playground!!" HAHA!
I don't think there is an "offical answer" though! I do think it is based on individual families. For me, I think closer to 3 years rather than 2 would be ideal.
My mom always wanted her children 3 years apart. She got her wish. My brother was born 2 days after my 3rd birthday! She always said that 3 years was an ideal age gap. My brother and I grew up as playmates and we are good friends now.
My friend had her first two exactly (to the day) 22 months apart. A girl, then a boy. Those first 2ish years were HARD for her, but now that her kids are 7 and 5 she LOVES their close age gap because they are the best of friends! Her 2nd and 3rd (girl) are 4.5 years apart and she worries about her feeling "left out" from the other two. She's not sure if they will have a 4th.
So, bottom line is I think age gap is something that is unique to each family and each family has to decide what is best for them.
And unfortunately, for those of us that deal with infertility, it does throw in a extra measure of surprise because you just never know what may happen cause we can't say "let's do this" and see those 2 lines 2 weeks later!!
Love reading your blog :)
Not that you can believe EVERYTHING you read, b/c you for sure, cannot. ONe of my most favoritest books since I've had a baby recommends 2.5-3.5 years as what experts consider the ideal time for adjustment purposes and so the oldest child is old enough to understand....just a thought.
ha..I totally was so excited when I saw this post....I thought it was an announcement!
I have to chime in. I think there is no good answer for this one. Everyone, and everyone's circumstances are different. You know I planned to have my kids two years apart but God had another plan. And his plan was a great one. And he has a plan for you guys too.
I think about this all the time as well! We want our kids to be spaced 3 1/2 to 4 years apart... I think? I feel guilty about it sometimes as I want my daughter to have a playmate. This reason alone isn't enough and I know I am not ready yet :) Who says a 4 year old and a 8 year old can't play together anyway? ;)
It is all personal preference. I had someone make a shocked face to me at hearing our plan. There will always be someone out there telling you what is best/worst. I think when you are ready you will just.. know :)
I feel like I don't have too much room to be picky. In an ideal world, if infertility wasn't an issue, and I could just do the wine, dine, double line thing, then I would probably say 3 years a part, simply because of how challenging my first year as a parent was and how I hope to have a lot of quality time with lexi before I'm puking round the clock again. It would also be nice if she's potty trained when the next one rolls around. HOWEVER, since beggers can't be choosers, I say we'll take whatever we can get! 8 cycles and counting with no pregnancy. I'm not really upset by this because I don't really "want" to be pregnant right now, however I am upset at the same time simply because I feel like when we want to, we won't be able to. KWIM? Gotta love those unsolicited comments from fertile myrtles. They are everywhere!
Lauren- At times, I think it would be nice to get all of the interrupted sleep out of the way all at once, so that I can have many years of full sleep to look forward to after that. At the same time, though, I think my body might need some time to recover from the past year of interrupted sleep first!
Katie- Well, you have no gap at all, huh? :) And you're handling it wonderfully. Actually, I have this fear that we'll have multiples next so that we'll have 3 kids under 3. Not that I wouldn't be grateful but... holy overwhelming!
Elaine- I'm like you. I think 3 years would be ideal for me. Probably has something to do with our Type A personalities and liking order and control. Two toddlers wouldn't leave much room for any order!
Amy- I'm so curious. What's the book??? And sorry to disappoint, but there's no announcement coming anytime in the very near future.
Mom- I agree. I know what's meant to happen will happen. I mean, was it my ideal plan to take 2 years to get pregnant with Camden? Not at all, but look at the wonderful gift I got when it did eventually happen. I couldn't ask for a better son. And I know I'll feel the same way no matter what happens this time.
Holly- My sister and I are 4 years apart! Not planned that way, but that's how it worked out. We were the best of friends growing up-- until she hit her teenage years and wanted nothing to do with her little sister. :) My brother is 8 years younger than me (he was a happy accident, haha) and while we weren't exactly playmates (I wasn't interested in action figures as a teenage girl, imagine that), we were (and still are) very close. So, a larger age gap can work!
Ellie- I totally understand what you mean and feel exactly the same way. Back when I wasn't taking bc when I was bf'ing, I kept thinking how neat it would be if I did get pregnant each month--- just b/c it would've happened w/o intervention. Not that I WANTED kids 18 months apart, but still, it would've been exciting to know I could get pg without help. So yes- I know what you mean. And you're right- we have no room to be picky!!
I think it is all about YOU being ready for the challenge of another child. They are double the work, but double the blessings, right? :)
Hi, there! My first two are a year and a half apart and my second and third are two and a half years apart. I wouldn't have it any other way. In 3 weeks I'll have a 2 year old, a 4 year old, and a 6 year old. LOVE it.
BTW, we have no family around, my husband works 24 hour shifts, and I never have anyone else take my kids and I survive just fine! It's all about routine and schedule. Kudos to those who have family around BUT it can be done - and done well - all by yourself!!
I don't think there really IS a perfect age gap. I've heard people swear by timing their kids 3 years apart, and I've heard others say they wouldn't have chosen to have their babies1.5-2 years apart, but they are so close, and it's easier to get done with diapers and potty-training sooner rather than later. I think it's an adjustment no matter when you have another child, and the only people who think it's ideal are the ones who planned and got what they wanted, whether it's 1-year spacing or 5 years.
I was not ready for a second baby for a long time. I waited till my son was around 4 years old, and and in preschool before planning the second. Our second son is 4 1/2 years younger than the elder one. We are really happy with our decision.
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