Pregnant for the weekend

For some reason that I'll never really understand, I decided to take a home pregnancy test last Wednesday morning, even though I had gotten my "period" two days before. I peed on the little stick, and then got ready to get in the shower. I glanced at the stick before stepping in the shower- after only a minute or so- and could swear that I saw a faint second line. Yeah, right, I told myself. It's early and you're tired. Besides, you're supposed to wait 5 minutes before reading the test anyway. So, I jumped in the shower and checked again when I got out. The second line, though faint, was still there. My initial reaction was just: Wow! I have never seen a second line before! But I didn't let myself get too excited because I was still bleeding and, therefore, just assumed I was having (or had already had) an early miscarriage. Still, I woke Matt up to see that elusive second line that's been hiding from us for 2 years.

I went to work feeling pretty good. At least I know I can get pregnant after all this time, I kept telling myself. However, at some point during the afternoon, the crazy reared its ugly head. All kinds of thoughts started running through my mind- ectopic pregnancy being the most dominant one. So, after thoroughly freaking myself out, I emailed my doctor and told him what was going on with me. I also ran to CVS during my lunch break and bought one of those expensive digital pregnancy tests that just say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant". I didn't want to look at or analyze any more faint lines. Totally ignoring that you're always supposed to use first morning urine to test in early pregnancy, I tested that afternoon in the bathroom at work. Within 15 seconds, "Pregnant" popped up on the digital screen.

My doctor emailed me back a few minutes later. "Congrats", he told me, "Come in tomorrow morning for some blood work."

Still, my gut instinct told me that something was not right. I was still bleeding- and it wasn't just spotting. This doesn't seem normal, a nagging voice kept saying in the back of my mind.

I went in for my blood test on Thursday morning and Dr. P called about an hour later. "Kerri," he began, "Your HCG level is perfect. Your progesterone is perfect. I have no idea why you're bleeding." For the first time, I quieted that little voice in the back of my mind and let myself feel hopeful. After all, my numbers were perfect. And, after 3 days, the bleeding had stopped.

Of course, anyone who has ever been pregnant knows that your initial HCG level doesn't mean a whole lot. Far more important is the way your level rises. In a normal pregnancy, HCG levels should double every 48-72 hours. So, Dr. P asked me to come back on Monday morning for another test.

Monday morning rolled around and I went in for more blood work. This time, I didn't get the phone call until Monday afternoon. They made me wait all day, which was literally torture. Every time the phone rang, I wanted to throw up.

And then the news came. That nagging voice in the back of my mind? Turns out she was right. On Thursday, my HCG level was 138- a nice, healthy starting point. On Monday morning, it was 313. For all of you whipping out your calculators- yes, that number is doubled. However, the increase should've been higher than that. After all, I came back 4 days after my initial test.

The nurse called my increase "less than ideal" and asked me to come back for more testing on Wednesday morning.

Dr. P emailed and said that he "was concerned" about the rise in my levels and that an ectopic pregnancy does become "more suspicious" with abnormal HCG levels.

Yesterday, I hit rock bottom. I couldn't stop crying and I just felt totally empty and totally lost. I always assumed that when I saw a positive pregnancy test for the first time, it would be the happiest day of my life after everything we've been through. To have that experience taken away from me seemed unfair and cruel beyond belief.

Plus, even though I was guarded and cautious about this whole thing from the very beginning, Matt was ever the optimist, like always. When I showed him that digital HPT that I took at work- the one that just said "Pregnant"- he smiled like I had never seen him smile before. Then he got all teary-eyed. Then he smiled some more. Matt also calculated a due date and thought about ways to tell his parents.

And let's be honest. Even though I was very guarded, I was also very emotionally attached to the idea of being pregnant. I enjoyed every minute of my "weekend pregnancy"- minus all of the worrying.

Even though I still have no answers, I am in a much better state of mind than I was yesterday. This pregnancy is likely one of two things: just not viable, which means I will miscarry. Or ectopic. I will take the first option any day of the week over the second. The second option likely means another surgery for me- the same kind I just had 2 months ago.

I'm not going to sugar coat it: the thought of another surgery absolutely sucks. But what was the last thing I said when I blogged after my first surgery? Something along the lines of: I wouldn't be the first in line to volunteer to have this type of surgery again, but it wasn't that bad. And so I can handle it. I can get through it.

And if it's a miscarriage? Well, at least that means we can get pregnant. Honestly, I didn't know if it was possible for us or not. So, there's always that little silver lining.

And so now, I wait.